The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
