You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
