You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
It's never too late to be topless.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
