He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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