Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I'm just crazy horny about you
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
