i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
