Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
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