I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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