I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He shit in the fireplace
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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