I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
