i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
well you can't waste a boner
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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