I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
