You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
she smelled like a LAN party
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Houston, we have a blender
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Someone came in the potted fern
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Randomize
