I looked at my own cervix.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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