He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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