The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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