respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Randomize
