I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
