his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
