I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
