Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
