My cat gives me a boner
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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