I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
How does one acquire holy water?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
