I feel great
I just peed on a car
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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