I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
