can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
