I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting