i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
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It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
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Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner