allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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