Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
you win again, gameday.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
