My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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