Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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