glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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