ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
