make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
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And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
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I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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