Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
She needs sedatives and a leash
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
