I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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