You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
she pinky promised me she was 18
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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