What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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