I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
