apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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