ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I FOUND THE LEGS
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
