"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
