Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
