he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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