I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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