U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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