Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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