my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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