I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
