Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
