I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
