Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
