When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
