I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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