Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
