Got a toothbrush?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
You may now shotgun with the bride
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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