It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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