My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
