i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
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I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
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A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions