I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
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She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
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There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do