Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens