Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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