Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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