My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
