I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
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